September 9, 2013

Today today today today today I feel it coming closer and I can reach out and touch it and feel it and hold it close and finally open up that crack of light into my crowded confused cobwebbed mind and tell myself yes.

This is happening.

saturday

You don’t know what depressing is until you spend your first day off in 13 days sitting alone in your office for ten hours on a Saturday—with faulty Internet to boot—because even that is a happier fate than going home.

i dissolve into the blue

I am having one of those series of days (sometimes called a week) where I’m generally feeling cranky and unwell.

The unwell part is slightly worrying, that is true. My head feels heavy and my stomach is generally in a state of rebellion, feeling either too bloated or too empty. It worries me since my eating habits are not as atrocious as they once were (eek Hyderabad), but it’s also the smoking and complete dearth of physical activity. I almost definitely have a thyroid problem considering my mother, aunts, and grandmother all do, but I still haven’t moved ass and gotten a blood test done to confirm it. In my head I think I have cancer. In reality, I am acutely stressed out and my body is responding in an equally unhappy fashion.

Sundays are by far my least favourite days in the month. I drown in envy when I hear normal people (normal being not me) discuss their weekends. Considering I work on Saturdays. I don’t have a weekend anyway, but I am so glad I don’t.

Weekends for me aren’t sleeping in, long lazy brunches, lying in front of the television, perhaps going out for an hour or two but returning to the lethargic cocoon that is home. Weekends for me are at least 12 stilted hours with family. Sundays are when I wish desperately that I had my mother back in Chennai, because even though it is never as bad as I fear, it is so fucking difficult to try and get through time at home without it bordering on awkward or stilted.

I’m depressed. I love all the nice little vignettes when I am with Vinay and I meet friends and go out, and yes, there are lots of those. But otherwise, I am fucking up at work because I’m not doing the stuff that I should be, because I’m unable to focus. I’m tired at home because I want to be with V and I don’t know how long I have to wait to get there. I’m unhappy with my body and my health, but I’m too stressed and full of excuses to change anything.

I miss my mother and I want to get married.

title source: dissolve by indus creed

morning with my bug

Bug: When are Kim and Kanye going to show off their baby

Not a peep from her

She hasn’t been spotted since giving birth

Probably some magazine deal or some such

Me: probably working out insanely no

so she doesnt appear with a tubby tummy

Bug: omg i was just thinking that

haha dude I don’t think that relationship will last

I am sorry

but Kanye is a Krackpot

with a K

Me: I don’t think so either

kim kardashian is weird and attentiony and all yet i do not dislike her

kanye i think has potential to be creepy and unkind

Bug: yeah, she is whatever

he seems egoistic and controlly

Me: yes

we are in agreement, as always

Bug: haha

okie off to eat a cupcake and do some odd chores around the house

later gator

Me: i want cupcake!

Bug: you are a cupcake

Me: awww!